You’ve reached a point where you’ve decided to invest in your relationship by looking for a counselor. And, from our previous blog, you have come to agree that trust is absolutely essential to get the most of your counseling experience, but you don’t know how to pick who might be the right counselor for you. Since, not all counselors are the same, in the next few blogs, I’ll be sharing some of the important principles and methods that your counselor should work from. But, in this blog, I’ll share the most the important personal elements you should look for to find the right counselor for you.
First, you want a counselor who is relatable. Your counselor is someone who conducts him or herself in a way that is approachable, responsive, generous, positive and affirming. He or she should be judgment free (which of course is different than discerning) and comes across like his or her full attention is on the moment. Your counselor should truly believe in the possibility of your success, doing his or her absolute best to bring out the best in you and your partner. You should be able to discuss hard and intimate things without fear of condescension.
Second, you want a counselor who is transparent with the questions he or she is asking. This means that your counselor should explain where you’re headed, how you’re doing and what at he or she intends when asking a question. Your counselor should always first seek to understand before being understood and should never set you up for a fall – no gotchas. Instead, your counselor should be right there with you to compassionately reflect when challenges and areas for improvement are discovered.
Third, your counselor should be successful in his or her own present relationships. Notice the qualifier “present.” All people have a past and failures – its part of being human. The key is that your counselor has appropriately learned from his or her past and now lives by the principles he or she has learned and therefore can relate to you and help. Granted, for counseling to work the focus does need to be on you and your relationship. However, when looking for the right counselor, it is entirely appropriate to ask your counselor questions like: “why he or she got into counseling as a profession (?)” and “what has been some the most important lessons he or she has learned in life” as well as “what he or she believes are the most important ingredients to healthy relationships.” If he or she does not answer these types of questions, or tries to defer saying: "that its not appropriate to answer and that counseling is for you," then he or she is most likely not working from relational principles and may not be the right fit for you.
Fourth, your counselor’s worldview needs to work with your own. What this means is that he or she has a belief system that is compatible with your's. This gets into the importance of ethics and questions of personal morality, which unfortunately is sorely missing in the field at large. Yes, coaching, counseling and psychotherapy have their own inherent ethics as a discipline. However, what I am speaking of is how your coach, counselor or therapist understands life, its purpose, the nature of relationships, and how to respond to challenges as well as how to understand and celebrate wins. This is especially important for clients who come from unique cultural contexts, faith traditions, or political positions. When discussing the parameters of your relationship, the last thing you want to do is have to legitimate an important value or conviction: explain, yes – legitimate, no!
Fifth, your counselor should be the model professional: he or she is always looking to better his or her craft, and is organized and punctual. Additionally, part of being a professional is that he or she knows the importance of a work-life balance: your counselor should not too overloaded so that he or she has the space to be present to you.
In summary, finding the right counselor for you all comes down to resonance. Do you gel, or as some say “vibe” with the counselor? In other words, do you get one another and do believe your counselor may be able to help.
Please look for the next blog that will discuss the important principles to look for in a counselor.
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