While counseling has scientific elements to it, that is: good counseling uses evidence-based approaches, it’s not an exact science but a craft. A craft is different than a science - in this sense, counseling is closer to art. Consider the difference between a master oil-painter versus an apprentice. The apprentice knows the technicalities well (e.g. brush strokes, color coordination, shading, styles) but is perhaps not yet seasoned enough to put all the technicals together into one integrated seamless work of art. Counseling is similar. You’re venturing into a discussion where a lot of things are going to be put on the proverbial table of discussion. Here, a good couples counselor will be able to help you put all of these things together for you to understand. This takes time and experience. Further, people, relationships and situations are complex, and so knowledge of the technicals is not enough: a good couples counselor must be able to translate understanding of the technicals throughout the course of discussion in a way that personally resonates with you. For this reason, a good couple’s counselor will work from relationally-directed principles.
First, a good couple’s counselor will have a robust understanding of human nature. It’s not enough for a counselor to understand why someone is having feelings and thoughts as well as have behaved a certain way. Instead, a good couple’s counselor will help you understand how those feelings, thoughts and behaviors translate into your world and how they affect your relationship. He or she will also be highly empathetic to the feelings, thoughts and behaviors that make you and your relationship unique, which will also help to envision new and more productive ways of moving forward.
Second, a good couple’s counselor will be highly self-aware, understanding that he or she brings his or her own perspective to the discussion. Now, for the most part, this is one of the aims of counseling: to glean the expertise and guidance of the counselor for your benefit. However, the counselor must also be aware of his or her own disposition and be very mindful to always be present to the specific needs of his or her clients in order to avoid taking the discussion in a fruitless direction. A renowned contemporary psychoanalyst Dr. Robert Stolorow states: “no two people can be together without influencing each other.” A good couple’s counselor is aware of this dynamic and knows how to use it to build up his or her client’s relationship, having first done the work to thoroughly knowing him or herself.
Third, a good couple’s counselor will treat the couple’s relationship as the client. Unfortunately, a lot of couples begin counseling only to end up doing individual counseling alongside their partner. While there is undoubtedly individual work to be done, a good couple’s counselor will help you to collaborate with your partner in solving concrete problems and to learn the practice of simply reflecting together in a way that brings new fruit. Couples counseling is first and foremost about attuning to one another and growing in deeply bonded partnership.
Fourth, a good couple’s counselor provides positive direction. The importance of positive direction cannot be overstated for couples. I’ve seen too many couples enter, coaching, counseling or some form of psychological therapy without clearly stated goals, celebration of milestones, or ways to gain constructive feedback on their progress. With no end in sight or what to aim for, the investment can loose much of its effectiveness. Therefore, a good couple’s counselor will tie the couple’s needs to their desire to grow in love and enjoyment of relationship by teaching the couple how to hold on to the many demands in their life in one hand while preserving the sacredness of their relationship in the other. Bottom line: it should be said that the goal of any good couple’s counselor is to equip and empower you and your relationship so that, once you’re ready, on-going counseling is no longer needed.
Make sure to look out for the next blog on “How to Find the Right Counselor for You: Part 4,” where I share what counseling method to look for to make the most of your counseling experience.
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