About this time every year, my inbox and voicemail become full of many new inquiries seeking help to navigate the dating world and more constructive ways of coping with loneliness. Well into the New Year with the majority of the holidays over and Valentine’s Day ahead, it is no surprise …it is only natural (!) that many singles find themselves reminiscing about the past and hoping for the future. This year is no exception, especially with how challenging COVID and the election have been. Indeed, for many singles the events of 2020 have intensified the experience of despair in finding a partner.
Thus, I thought it was about time for this blog. However, I want to take a bit different approach to writing than my usual. As a single myself and believing that no one can take anyone where he or she has not journeyed, I wanted to write more personally, as someone who has not only been there but in many ways is there with many of you right now.
I always strive to incorporate the insights of personal experience with the most useful and helpful practices, but in this particular entry, I write primarily from personal experience. I do this because “moving” is a complex and often difficult process. Theory is helpful to adduce good principles, but movement itself plumbs the depths of our souls, calling on every bit of our understanding, strength, and empathy; and, therefore, necessitates, a personal quality to appropriately talk about it. So, I will
first briefly share a bit from my own experience of loss and then share what I learned, which helped me move forward.
She had blue eyes like the tide of a great ocean gently coming to shore and a smile like a warm sunny day. An artisan by nature, her voice was comforting, full of compassion and heart. An accomplished and recognized professional in her field, she had a tremendous work ethic and always sought to improve her craft. We could talk about almost anything. Laughing together; praying together; simply doing life; the beautiful moments were energizing. I had come to see her as the one for me.
Looking back, we didn’t have enough time to remain in the beautiful moments for them to truly catch hold. And so, her announcement that she was “moving on” decimated my inner world like a hurricane going through a small remote coastal town. I was devastated; ruined.
In the years that followed, I did my best to cope as I was taught and to do what was expected of me. I tried everything from: forgetting her to taking up new hobbies to putting up a front by declaring I was happily single. But, her memory and the hope of what could have been would always catch up to me; I was haunted. The worst times were in the late evenings; there, alone in the dark, I found myself shattered …paralyzed …unable to move.
The breakthrough came in discovering an unexpected partner, thankfulness. It was in the turn from looking on the situation as what I had lost to whom I had the blessing of sharing life with even if only for a brief time, that I gained an irreplaceable gift which only love can bestow. Though our love was too brief, thankfulness turned my bitter memories into bittersweet ones enabling me to see that love was truly possible in this world. I knew I was on the right track to healing when my utterances went from groans of despair to hoping and praying for her blessing. Genuinely wanting to see her flourish, regardless of whether I was in her life, confirmed the authenticity of my love. Hoping and praying the best for her in life freed me to celebrate her memory. Loss brought new life and I learned about the character of love anew. Though we briefly touched love, thankfulness allowed our love to touch me forever and to go forward in the love we both hoped for each other.
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