Our innate desire for human connection with others is not a phenomenon that can be considered a luxury. We are hard-wired for human relationships. We need the relational, emotional, and cognitive connection of others to understand who we are, how we relate and what place we take in this world. We’ve all heard of horrifying stories of isolation, alienation, separation, and solitary confinement. Why are they horrifying? Well, because a part of us feels the anguish with being separated from others that come with those conditions. We’ve even heard of people going mad because they haven’t been in contact with other people. Isolated and orphaned children often struggle for basic physical health and well-being.
In psychology, this deep desire, hunger, and longing is called “attachment theory.” We long to attach to others in meaningful ways. Gabor Mate, M.D. in a Youtube video training notes that babies/children need two things. The first is attachment and the second is authenticity. Babies/children need to attach, in a healthy way, to their primary caregiver in order to be nurtured. Babies/children also long to be authentic, or their true selves. Yet, Dr. Mate goes on, the desire for attachment is so strong that babies/children will learn to forego their own authenticity in order to feel a sense of attachment with their primary caregiver. If a primary caregiver has emotional, psychological, relational, mental or physical issues, there is a strong chance that a child will adapt to the circumstances and forego themselves and their needs in order to care for the caregiver. So, a baby/child, which becomes an adult, will forego who they are authentically in order to seek some sense of attachment with their primary caregiver? Yes. And, when this happens the person will grow up looking for connections but never really understanding who they are. A loss of self for the sake of some sort of connection with another. When the attachment is unhealthy, we are often internally wounded by it. These attachment styles that are unhealthy are called: Preoccupied, Dismissive, and Fearful. Yes, there is an ability to connect with others in a healthy manner and healthy attachments do happen with babies/children who become adults.
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