In my first blog, I shared about the human longing and the ache for meaningful connection. In psychology, this longing is known as “attachment theory”. The desire for attachment begins when we are very young with our family. We look to our primary caregiver(s) as the ones who would most naturally give this deep sense of emotional security and safety. As we will be discussing, attachments are not just a hugs or sitting close to one another, but the sense of emotional safety and security that results from the interaction of the primary caregiver(s) and a child.
For example, when I was a child, I fell out on our driveway and skinned both knees. Bleeding, I ran inside to get my mother’s attention and help. What I remember is that my mom was overwhelmed by my emotions. I was crying, it hurt. And, she was shaking as she took out mercurochrome (a topical antiseptic), which smelled like gasoline, and wiped my knees off and put a band aid on them. Then, she hurried me back outside. As I was nearing the front door, my mom said: “John, little boys don’t cry!”
As you can imagine I was confused, but I made my way out the front door to resume play with my wounds on both my knees. Little did I know that the statement was the beginning of a much larger and more pervasive emotional wound.
Now, most can’t remember recall memories before five years old. However, attachment is much different. Have moved into our unconscious, attachment wounds that date back to before you remember …to infancy, showing up as residual feelings of distance, anxiety and insecurity in one’s relationship with others and as our self-concept.
In this light, I have come to discover the emotional wound my mother passed along to me was the emotional wound of “dismissed.” I will not recount the hundreds of times my mother would discount my emotions for a teacher, classmate, another adult, family member, etc. Eventually, this resulted in me turning inward and asking questions like: “What’s wrong with me?” “Why am I so petty?” “Why did that bother me so much?” “I must be crazy to feel this way?” Now, admittedly, as an infant my emotions might not have been correct, but the lack of validation and empathy by my primary care giver resulted in my having difficulty in emotional processing.
Having resulted from the attempt to “toughen up your kid” by minimizing, marginalizing, alienating, abandoning, and disenfranchising them, attachment wounds are damaging and insidious. Sure, you might toughen up your kid, but for all the wrong reasons and in all the wrong ways.
Imparting strength to your child, or more broadly to all people (as attachments are always being formed) comes by way of sitting with one another in a calm demeanor, listening attentively, validating the other’s emotion(s) and extending generous amounts of empathy.
It’s never too late to work on attachment wounds, healthiness is possible, but it takes time, effort, and intentionality.
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