Holding the Other as Sacred When Sharing One’s Individual Perspective
If effective communication between persons is the exchange of meaningful information and meaningful information is the distinct unification of many elements (e.g. language, events, culture, values, prescription, reflection, narrative, vision, etc…), then mending relational dissonance cannot happen apart from understanding what communication itself communicates, in particular: one’s alignment with the other.
Now, at this point, if you’re like me, you might be saying: “wow, hold on second. Back up …that’s a lot of words! Theory is fine for academics, but I need something workable, something concrete.”
I hear you and am right there with you. But, I ask that you stick in there with me for just a bit. The pay off is huge! In this post, we will briefly discuss one of the silent killers as to why many attempts at repairing relationships often fail.
It has been often said that “communication is the key to successful relationships” or that “relationships have no foundation without communication.” This is absolutely true. Thus, the protocol in therapy is to get couples talking. Here, right here (!), is where the silent killer reaps destruction. What is talked about and how makes all the difference. Let me explain…
Going back to our definition, effective communication is the exchange of meaningful information between persons, because it is an assemblage of the many elements of life the couple lives everyday. Communication is then more than the subject matter discussed, but includes the communication of one’s disposition to the other memorialized in how they recall sharing life. Thus, when talk therapy dives into first discussing the relationship’s “problems,” it often starts off of on the wrong foot.
Now, to be sure, the challenges in the relationship need to be discussed, that’s what brought you into therapy to begin with. However, starting with the “problems” all too easily lends itself to increased injury, because it perpetuates the root of the division implicit with divided discourse. In other words, discourse that begins with the problems first occurs in divisive terms of “I, me” or “mine.” Further, most couples are simply not prepared to discuss what divides them constructively, as the injury is too fresh. They’ve been living in the pain of the division every day. They need a win at the start, no matter how small.
Many couples would be best helped by first recollecting, at least in brief, their hopes, past loving memories and what unites them. This re-frames “the problems” into challenges that anticipate the kind of relationship the couple has always hoped for. Imagine how effective it would be to discuss the state of the relationship from the perspective of unity …from the mindset of a team in terms of “we.” This allows for the differences between the couple to become the very means by which they discover unity. Additionally, it puts one back in the driver seat of their emotions, so that one communicates to the other in a way both can hold on.
Once again, I’m not suggesting one is to jettison sharing one’s individual perspective (no doubt, effective communication entails this). However, discussing problems without first re-orienting one’s communication from the priority of holding the other as sacred erodes re-framing the “problems” into challenges and thus the chances of successful repair. How someone communicates is as important as what is discussed. Indeed, in repairing relationships, it is more important! In this light, communication that seeks to increase re-alignment to one’s partner through building up trust and nurturing their bond, is in fact, the nature of the discussion. Accusation, and its parallel in the other, self-defense, cannot communicate the desire to heal through understanding and the hope of reconciliation.
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