I’ve had the privilege to be a church planter in Denver, CO for the past six years. With all the holidays right around the corner, this time of year is one of my favorites. Seeing Halloween coming up and planning my own Halloween party, I’ve been reflecting on the psychology behind celebration. I’ve been pondering what can be learned for personal growth from Halloween?
People go nuts about Halloween. Originally a Celtic holiday, thousands of years later, people are still wearing masks. We all love to dress up. For an evening, we pretend we are someone else. Popular costumes range from the Disney princesses to famous politicians and zombies.
I think this illustrates an uncomfortable real challenge many of us often experience. As a church planter, I’ve had the privilege of encouraging others during some of the lowest points of their lives and I’ve come to realize a common thread behind pain and brokenness are the masks we all feel we need to wear to be acceptable. Often, many of us feel as if we need to be someone different than who we are to be acceptable. We are often relegated to hiding behind a fake smile or the infamous fake response “I’m fine” to the common question, “How are you?” This is counterproductive to spirituality – spirituality emphasizes personal reflection and authentic expression as integral tools for growth.
A friend of mine recently invited me to a class in Social Theory as it relates to non-profit work. The professor spoke on the difference between counseling and psychotherapy. I learned that Psychotherapy is the practice of spending time with a trained professional—usually a psychologist, a social worker, or a counselor—to help diagnose and treat mental and emotional problems, to talk through everyday difficulties, or to seek advice as a couple. Further, I learned that Psychotherapy (often just referred to as therapy) can be conducted using a variety of approaches, including cognitive behavioral therapy, psychodynamic therapy, and others. Many therapists use a combination of different approaches.
Each approach utilizes particular techniques and focuses on certain outcomes. Cognitive-behavioral therapy, for instance, involves identifying and challenging cognitive distortions and irrational thought patterns, while psychodynamic therapy aims to identify unconscious conflicts or repressed memories that may be contributing to real-world challenges. In fact, some approaches of therapy were specifically designed to treat certain conditions (i.e. dialectical behavior therapy).
Listening to the professor, I was struck by a profound realization that spirituality often fails to address the deep issues of the human condition. Our need to put on the fake smiles, reply everything is great (wear masks) obscures spirituality at a core, because spirituality cannot be experienced apart from genuine relationship with others.
Unfortunately, people are all too often encouraged to hide their true self. I think this is for the most part inadvertent …we fear being accepted. On one hand, our culture encourages people to “be real,” but on another, we also are expected to live up to standards, which are difficult to identify explicitly. In fact, you can see how the two work together: the more real the individual is, the more expectations placed on them increase and vice-versa. This results in a tremendous amount of dissonance, which leads us often relegated to pose as someone else entirely.
Our society (including our spiritual communities) are structured in such a way that people feel the need to wear a mask to hide their true self. People walk through the door knowing that there is a certain expectation they must maintain. They must talk a certain way, dress a certain way, etc. or they know they will not be accepted.
This phenomenon is why spirituality is struggling and perhaps even dying in America. Spirituality requires authenticity not performance.
This is where I believe deep connecting relationships are critical. A holistic approach to spirituality, involves the whole person which cannot be understood apart from authentic relationship. One of our greatest fears is that if we show our true selves, the world will say, “Oh, it’s just you.” The fear of being exposed as who we really are is perhaps one of our greatest fears. But being just you is actually the best and most perfect thing you could ever be! As Oscar Wilde said, “Be yourself; everyone else is taken.” Spirituality is about learning to take off our masks and find freedom. This cannot happen apart from authenticity in relationships. Spirituality must be about the creation of authentic community.
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