In the search for love, what, if any adverse effects do dating apps have on relational bonding in a culture of convenience and a society that defines itself by rugged individualism? In short, dating apps have made dating like “scavenging,” which I’ll explain more about later in this post.
Now, don’t misunderstand me …dating apps have their place …we’ve all used them …they’re convenient and kind of fun. Today’s technology meets the cultural codes of yesterday’s romance, promising to provide an abundance of potential connections all at the click of a button.
However, if you’re like many today who use dating apps, chances are that if you haven’t already, it won’t be too long until you experience the downside of the apps, which intensifies our ego-centered culture and counters the interactive process of genuine bonding. Let me explain…
Authentic connection takes time. Love requires the space to growing in understanding as a couple. Love is largely the result of a shared history and common vision for life, which requires time to uncover and to build together. Further, connecting relationships only grow by being authentically present with another in the space of vulnerability and deep genuine kindness, which is virtually impossible when one’s affections are divided among many possibilities. In sum, there are no shortcuts to forming genuine deeply-bonded loving relationships, despite what social media insists. It is a neurological fact of our embodiment.
Unfortunately, dating apps feed the proverbial grass-is-greener mentality. This leads to the objectification of people by reducing persons into “potential options,” in which the dater experiences him or herself objectifying the other into a prospect. The modality of dating apps cannot help but perpetuate our egoist inclinations as a society. By looking for a checklist of attributes (most often shallow ones) in potential matches, the beauty of two people sharing a relationship of equality and deep connection is missed. I’m not suggesting one doesn’t discern whether attributes of potential matches aligns with one’s own values. Rather, I propose that the modality of dating apps too easily lends itself to missing the most important criteria of discernment, replacing it with the shallow.
Now all that said, most daters do eventually want to connect with someone. Levels of preparation to connect and ability varies, but ultimately, most do want to eventually find someone they can be themselves with. In a word, daters are looking for “resonance” with another. I read profiles and work with clients every day who express how much they want to “find their best friend.”
Here, it is important to note once again the necessity of time: best friendships take shape over time. They are not discovered in a single evening over dinner, or while shopping online at the best friend club as-it-were. Generally speaking therefore, how much more than do intimate deeply connected relationship need the appropriate time and space to be cultivated! How much more important is it that they are not encumbered with superficial judgment!
The fact is that in our fast-paced ego-centered culture, dating apps have promised connection too conveniently apart from actual interaction and thereby have largely facilitated the breakdown of dating. Dating has become akin to a wild animal scavenging for food …daters are relegated to packing what takes months or even years of relationship to experience into a few short events or even into a single evening. This is a recipe for disaster that plays out in a cycle of disappointment over and over, leaving daters desperately searching for their next date.
However, this cycle is unnecessary, but it will take intentional action to step away from it. I’m not saying throw away the apps …good or bad, they are here to stay. But, there is a much better way to use them, which entails approaching the apps mindfully through re-envisioning yourself as a catalyst for authentic relationship in your sphere of influence. At interself, our goal is to nourish whole happy people through nourishing healthy connection in relationships. Contact us today to see if it might be time for you to take the next step in self-development through taking one of our modules.
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